May 7, 2008
The Indiana and North Carolina primaries - two more notches in the bedpost of democracy, two more contests come and gone, now quickly blending into the hazy, featureless, seemingly endless dreamscape of a nomination process no doubt glimpsed by Samual Taylor Coleridge in one of his laudenum-induced deliriums. Now it seems that everyone is eager to regain consciousness and get back to writing poems about old sailors (or whatever they do with their days), as evidenced by the number of people who are declaring yesterday’s results to be the ol’ coffin-nail for the Clinton campaign (here, for example, is a compilation of various death knells being rung). “Oh mighty Odin, let this fruitless insanity end!” the pundits seem to cry as they explain with relish that Hillary can’t possibly catch up with Barack and thus will be unable to woo the precious superdelegates.
However, these evaluations fail to take into account that legendary Clintonian tenacity, so impervious to hardship or reason. I mean, this is a person who is now saying the magic number for the nomination is 2,209 delegates (rather than 2,025, which is the magic number agreed upon by everyone who is not losing the nomination). Like a wiley alligator, once she gets a piece of your dungarees (or a chance at the nomination or whatever) her scaly jaws lock and she won’t let go till she’s been whacked senseless by the oar of political expediency. Thus, the LA Times got it right in this piece predicting that Clinton will now step up her effort to seat the Florida and Michigan delegates and try to prolong the contest. Stave off failure by dragging out the process as long as possible - that there’s a recipe for success with which I’m well acquainted. So here are a few things she could do to keep this party train a-rollin’:
May 6, 2008
Yesterday, folks in Japan celebrated Children’s Day - a time to give your kid a break from his constrictive regimen of grinding education in order to celebrate his personality and cherish his happiness. As long as his personality and his happiness are bound together by a dream to one day be the most revered actuary in the long storied history of Asahi Mutual Life Insurance.
But if you missed out on your helping of the sweet chimaki that flows so freely every May 5, don’t fret - odds are good that there are ample leftovers, since The Washington Post reported today that Japan has fewer children under 14 now that it has at any time since 1908. I always thought the Japanese were wise because of all that Oriental karate magic, but turns out it just because they’re old. Consider these statistics:
About 22 percent of the population is 65 or older, the highest proportion in the world….By 2020, the elderly will outnumber children by nearly 3 to 1…. By 2040, they will outnumber them by nearly 4 to 1.
Pretty startling, eh, my little would-be actuaries? At the risk of sounding alarmist, is it time to wage the world’s first great and terrible generation war, with the few but fit young turning savagely on their own grandparents in a chillingly entertaining fight for their own survival? Yes, it surely is.
But tread lightly, oh children of Japan, because “[t]he government is subsidizing the development of robots as caregivers for the old.” Man, could this get any better? Maybe radioactive carp will form an uneasy alliance with the youth in a bid to retaliate against the generation that created them. But how far can the carpmen be trusted? Can the caregiver robots be reprogrammed, or at least neutralized by the signal transmitted by the cell phones the kids just happen to be carrying? Will the elderly’s only hope lie in the election of a remarkably old and bellicose U.S. President? Will the Children’s Day War be better than Red Dawn? Hopefully. The future is yours, you wee Japanese. I wait with bated breath.
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April 29, 2008
Right gang, here’s a quick catch-up on what’s been going down in Apriltown (aka the month of April):
- I went down to New Orleans to perform at the New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival (April 2-6). The shows were great, the city was beautiful and my friend Danny Solomon and I annoyed a lot of people by shooting a documentary while we weren’t performing. Drat this work ethic of mine. Keep your eyes peeled for the final product in June.
- I went back to my alma mater, Brown University, for an alumni stand-up comedy show, performing alongside my fellow Brunonians (no I did not make up that word) Max Silvestri and Jordan Carlos. I discovered that Rock Band is fun and that I’m a great singer. Wait, great? More like phenomenal.
- I went to Baltimore and DC to hang out with my sister, her husband, and their dachshunds, one of which likes to lick my nose and spoon with me. Lovey-dovey.
- Met a fellow who started out lamenting the “bad luck” the Yankees are having this year and ended up telling me about the bunker he and his buddy have stocked with food and guns for when “the anarchy starts.” He told me Barack Obama is a Black Panther, at which point I gingerly took my leave.
Go Twins!
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March 11, 2008
As I mix, shake and strain this deliciously incisive newsjoke cocktail, the voters of Mississippi are taking their turn at spinning the wheels of democracy. Obama is expected to win the state, which is probably why the Clinton campaign has been suggesting that a vote for Clinton could be a vote for Obama. The idea of a Clinton-Obama ticket has been a hot topic over the past week, ever since Clinton narrowly avoided elimination last week then graciously noted that she would consider Obama (a.k.a. the leading Democratic candidate) as her running mate. So if you’re a Democrat and you react to this race by falling to the floor in a heap and crying “Don’t make me choose!”, then you should vote for Clinton because maybe she’ll pick Obama as VP. And maybe she won’t be picking any running mates because maybe she won’t get the nomination. And if she does, maybe Obama wouldn’t want to be her running mate. Or maybe she wouldn’t pick Obama! Maybe she’d pick Evan Bayh. Don’t know who that is, or don’t like him? Too bad! Vote for Clinton. Because remember, Bill Clinton has described the theoretical, fantastical, as-yet-non-existent Clinton-Obama ticket as “an almost unstoppable force.” Perhaps, though not nearly as unstoppable and Bill Clinton and Eliot Spitzer on their way to a skooch convention. Look out!
Yup, get ready for a torrent of Eliot Spitzer jokes, world. Because Spitzer, the Governor of New York, was busted yesterday for renting prostitutes from a fancy prostitute agency. Fun facts related to the story:
- The last time he hired a prostitute was the night before Valentine’s Day. It is unclear what he got for his wife.
- He was elected Governor of New York in a landslide, garnering 69% of the vote.
- He’s been quoted by a state legislator as saying, “I’m a fucking steamroller, and I’ll roll over you and everybody else.” It is suspected he was trying to sweet talk the legislator, whom he thought was a prostitute.
- While serving as Attorney General of New York, Spitzer made headlines for breaking up two prostitution rings. His comment that the prostitutes involved were “dirty thieving hoes” was hailed at the time by public officials who were unaware that Spitzer had recently had several wallets stolen.
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March 10, 2008
U.S. Representative Steve King stirred things up over the weekend by suggesting that al-Qaeda would rejoice if Barack Obama were elected president. The Congressman from Iowa prefaced his keen analysis by stating, “I don’t want to disparage anyone because of their race, their ethnicity, their name - whatever religion their father might have been.” Then, boldly preventing his transient wants from dictating his actions, King went on to say that an Obama presidency would mean victory for the terrorists due to Obama’s Kenyan heritage, his middle name, and his father’s religion. Thus, in one fell swoop, King singlehandedly undermined all the work I’ve done to convince my friends that Iowa is great (which it is). Thanks a lot, Congressional District 5. You include Sac City, though, so I can’t stay mad at you.
In making his case, King cryptically described how the “optics” of Obama will have “special meaning” to the rest of the world, apparently suggesting that brown people transmit coded messages to one other via their bizarre customs and strange hair styles. For example, Obama’s middle name is Hussein, which not only links him with the former Iraqi dictator but also simply sounds Arabish. Before you roll your eyes, note that this is an issue well-known to Steve King, whose first run for Congress was threatened by ads referring to him as “The Master of Terror.” Then there’s Obama connection to Kenya. Not good, considering that Kenya’s antipathy toward the United States is matched only by South Korea or perhaps Poland. And of course, we mustn’t forget that Obama’s father was Muslim. Which is significant because religion, like eye color and class, is transmitted genetically. “What does this look like to the rest of the world?” King rhetorically asked. Why, it would look like we white men had lost our absolute monopoly on political power in the United States. And that’s exactly what the terrorists want.
To be fair, though, maybe there’s a valid point in King’s poorly veiled bigotry. I mean, can you imagine if the top U.S. military commander in World War II had had a German name? And then went on to be President of the United States? Thankfully we don’t have to imagine, since Dwight Eisenhower and his solid Chippewa name sorted all that out.
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